my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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