I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
