I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
