I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
