last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
