You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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