just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
