Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
