I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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