pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
