careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
