I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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