Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
