the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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