Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
