Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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