I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
