All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
