i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
