If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
