i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How's work?
Spinning.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
