There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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