she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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