Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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