My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
