He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize