He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
