Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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