I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
