Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
