a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There's always time for handjobs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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