shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
