Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
