he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
