I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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