theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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