She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
