never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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