i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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