Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
