This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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