Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
