Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
two words: eviction party
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
