I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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