im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
