He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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