I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
