Where did you get a picture of my penis
I met the friendliest cop last night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
