Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
