I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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