dude i'm inner monologue high
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The best revenge is premature balding
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
