You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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