since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
