I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
